The lexicon, vernacular, and literature of the alternative dispute resolution field abound with the term “conflict conversations.” The phrase has become generic, much like Kleenex, and has come to mean whatever the speaker intends it to mean. In the process, we may overlook an important point.
Understanding conflict also requires us to understand the impact of the word itself.
When we hear the word “conflict,” our autonomic nervous system may respond with a warning: Get ready. Something bad is happening, is about to happen, or has already happened. Consciously or unconsciously, our bodies react to the emotions elicited by the words we use and hear. “Conflict” can trigger us at some level, activating the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response.
Try it. Become calm and centered, then say the word “conflict” and notice what arises. What happens in your gut? What changes in your breathing? Where do your thoughts go?
As mediators, we seek to promote self-empowering and mutually beneficial solutions between and among people. In my view, the term “considerate conversations” better invites people to remain open to perspectives and possibilities beyond their own. It evokes empathy, respect, thoughtfulness, and calm.
Try the exercise again. Say “considerate conversations” and notice how you respond. Which term feels more engaging, expansive, and hopeful?
After I recently shared my preference for this phrase, a corporate manager told me it had completely changed the way she approached conversations. She realized that she had often been waiting for an opening to make her point, win the argument, or prevail in the discussion. She was operating from a win-or-lose mindset rather than truly listening to and hearing the other person.
Now, she intends to listen, invite, and engage others with the goal of authentic communication. For her, it was a life-changing insight.
“Considerate conversations” more accurately frames what we intend as peacemakers. It encourages us to bring our best selves to one another.
A world in which every conversation is considerate…
Imagine.
Contributed by CUC Program Participant Faith D Supple (Thank you for sharing!)