“Never Split the Difference” by Chris Voss and Tahl Raz is a gripping and engaging book that brings the reader into the high-stakes world of hostage negotiation – and then challenges us to apply those same principles in our everyday professional and personal lives. Voss, a former FBI negotiator, shares tools that are undeniably powerful: tactical empathy, calibrated questions, the use of silence and tone, and the famous “no-oriented question.” With storytelling that’s vivid and accessible, the book encourages us to take negotiation seriously – and to do it better.
From the perspective of the understanding-based approach to conflict resolution, the book is both useful and worth challenging. The strategies Voss offers can open up difficult conversations, especially when stakes are high and emotions are running strong. His emphasis on listening, staying calm, and making the other person feel heard can support many of the same outcomes we seek in understanding-based work.
But there’s an important difference. In Never Split the Difference, these tools are often used to gain leverage and move someone toward your desired outcome. In contrast, the understanding-based approach – as developed by Gary Friedman and Jack Himmelstein – invites parties to be honest and vulnerable in the presence of disagreement, not to win or avoid loss, but to understand what truly matters to everyone involved. We aim for outcomes that are shaped by both parties, not controlled by one.
In that sense, the heart of understanding-based conflict resolution is not persuasion but collaboration. We help people find clarity in themselves, develop the capacity to listen deeply to one another, and take responsibility for the choices they make together. Voss’s approach, while thoughtful and psychologically astute, leans toward strategic influence – and while that may make sense in a crisis or business deal, it may not serve relationships where mutual understanding is the goal.
Still, there’s value here. For example, Voss’s insistence on slowing down, his careful attention to tone and language, and his emphasis on being fully present are all practices that support deeper communication. His reminder that people want to feel heard – not bulldozed or fixed – resonates strongly with the Loop of Understanding, a core element of the understanding-based model.
Where the two approaches diverge most clearly is in how each views the role of discomfort and conflict itself. Voss often works to contain or outmaneuver conflict. In understanding-based work, we lean in. We explore what’s underneath the positions, including feelings like fear, anger, or hurt. We don’t rush to solutions. We pause, reflect, and invite people to consider not only what they want, but why. And rather than steering the conversation to an outcome we have in mind, we support parties in making decisions together, with full understanding of themselves, each other, and the reality they face.
In short, Never Split the Difference offers practical, well-tested tools that can help us be more skillful and confident in tough conversations. For those working from an understanding-based framework, the challenge is to use these tools not to manage the conversation, but to deepen it. That shift – from strategy to sincerity, from influence to inquiry – can make all the difference.
This is a worthwhile read for anyone interested in improving their communication. Just bring your discernment. And if your goal is to not just get to yes, but to get to a place of real connection and shared decision-making, let this book sharpen your skills – and let the understanding-based approach guide your purpose.